Ed Donath Champ Car Blog

Champ Car Rant

Speechwriter

Ed Donath invites you to read and comment about his Op/Ed commentary.

Ed Donath

Champ Car Blog

"If you vote for me all of your wildest dreams will come true."

Cairo, NY -- Is there a candidate that can save open-wheel racing? If so, he or she is going to need a short, punchy surefire speech to rev up supporters. If you're the savior, read and memorize this...

(in your best LBJ drawl)

My fellow racing fans I come to you today with a heavy heart. Despite efforts to end segregation and unify our beloved speed sport, the long-held split mentality is far from eliminated. We find ourselves completely lacking the open-wheel racing assets that previous generations enjoyed. We must commence to fight a war on poverty and re-establish our great society.

(keep the Texas drawl but change to a higher George Double-ya pitch)

Mergification is just a fancy word for terrorism. The strategery of those who claim they've unified us is to have us believe they're doing what's best for us. In reality they're just creating a smoke screen so they can infiltrate our ranks and ultimately strike against us again as they have throughout the war on terror.

(put your frameless glasses on)

Do you know the difference between Danica Patrick and a pit bull? Lipstick. (keep a straight face and take a long pause for cheers and laughter) Do you know the difference between the IRL in 1996 and the IRL in 2008? (take your glasses off and hold them up to the crowd) The owner wears glasses like these now but his vision hasn't improved a bit.

(roll up your sleeves and act cool like a rock star)

You know, you can put lipstick on a pig (pause for cheers and laughter) but it's still a pig. Some people say they're going to change things but they can't tell you exactly how -- or when. If there's one thing I know about better than anyone else it's change and I'm not happy with the phony change that this so-called unification has brought.

(pretend to be hoarse and teary-eyed)

As a long-time open-wheel fan myself, I feel your pain.

(imitate John Kerry)

The Speedway inheritor is wrong!

(imitate JFK)

But ask not what open-wheel racing can do for you. Ask what you can do for open-wheel racing. We can put a man on the moon and we can take back our beloved speed sport if we stand together and work for the common good.

(imitate John McCain)

My friends, since the very first Indy 500 I have been the lone maverick who has stood up and fought for you -- the fans -- against the hypocrisy and cronyism of those that put their personal profit ahead of the health and stability of open-wheel racing and your continued approval.

(close strong and get one for the Gipper)

So in conclusion I say:

Mr. Inheritor, tear...down...that...wall.

Your evil empire is doomed once the anger and non-support of the fans you have duped trickles down and forces you to quit.

Thank you and good night.