"Have a
seat here in my chair behind
my desk, Congressman. How does
that feel? Hey, you look great behind my
new The Buck Never Stops
paperweight sign. Can I get you a
cup of coffee or a soft drink before we
put the best possible deal together for
you?"
"No thanks, Mr. President."
"Aw, knock off that formal stuff.
First names are fine when we're behind
closed doors."
"The caucus has been behind closed doors
so much this year that we're starting to
get claustrophobic. On second
thought, make it some ice
water, please."
"I'll pour you a glass. Hey, I
can turn it into wine for you if you
like."
"Speaking of wine, there are some
vineyard owners in my district who need French Oak aging barrels. But with
discretionary income so tight these days
business is way off and they can't
afford the shipping fees."
"Done! I'd much rather have cargo
in the hold of Air Force One than your
contentious pal Kucinich sitting up
front in the executive cabin with me.
Those barrels will be delivered after
our next Euro trip. It could be sooner
than you think because Michelle has been
needling me for a date night on the Left
Bank. What else do you need?"
"What we really need in my district,
Barry, are jobs. The unemployed
are starting to resent everyone with a
steady government-paid income. I'm
way down on their list because they
elected me, but out-of-work construction
laborers are angry because their high
school dropout friends are out patching
potholes and cutting lawns in the parks
making twice what the skilled guys are
getting on unemployment. What's worse is
that most of those union guys are
lifelong Democrats!"
"Well, tell them that if they ever get a
serious illness -- whether they still
have a job or not -- they won't be able
to go to work. However, they
will have healthcare and they
will be able to keep their homes and
not have to go bankrupt."
"I used that one on a truck driver at
our local diner last month. He
said 'I'll have to remember not to get
sick for at least six years until your
universal health care plan kicks in.'
I had no comeback for him, Barry."
"Republicans say those kinds of things
all the time. Your comeback is 'If
this vote
fails, what then? The insurance industry
will continue to run amok.' That one
gets the crowds going every time I read
it off the teleprompter."
"But you're saying it to 1,000
progressives and maybe two or
three slick hecklers who conned the door
bouncers. At best, my crowds are
down to 50% supporters these days."
"Their resistance will break down if you
keep repeating it often enough."
"Face the facts, Barry. You've
been repeating it for over a year --
even changed the name from universal
health care, to health care overhaul, to
health care reform to insurance reform
to insurance overhaul -- and the
for/against polls have never been worse.
Then there's those terms they're hearing
on Fox every five minutes that are too
difficult to understand but extremely
easy to misinterpret....
...They think Slaughter Solution
means death squads are a big part of the
legislation. They think Doc Fix
means we want to bribe doctors to say
they like this deal. The Stupak
Amendment sounds like we're packing
remedial education pork into the bill.
Even I thought that this latest
mysterious parliamentary ploy was called
Demon Pass not Deem and Pass.
Frankly, I'm worried that that's one of
the slogans they'll be using in the
upcoming Congressional campaigns --
whether the package gets passed or not."
"So you want to leave me and the speaker
out twisting in the wind? Do you
think Boehner and some ultra right-wing
president will take care of you when I'm
gone?"
"But Barry, if we take care of you we'll
probably be gone. Do you
think a non-Democrat triple-majority
will have trouble getting their agenda
passed? Besides, we all took care
of you last year and look where
it has gotten us."
"Well, please think it over and I'll
call you in the morning. I'm late for
the helicopter...got a rally speech in
Ohio to run to..."